Waves of Love Shit

I’ve long understood that love has no watch. No hour glass with sand running low. 

No time limit. No start date. 

Love is like a  ocean tide. 

You are born with the water in your cells. 

But you don’t know what love is

Until you arrive at the beach. 

Feel the water caress your bones, you are home. 

You are addicted. 

So you set up house, on the shore of love. 

Watch waves of lovers race up to your toes

Retreat back to the pool of endless resources

Tide is out 

Just for now. 

When you’re sprawled out on the sand, distracted, 

Squinting at your watch and trying to decide what the hour is 

Where the love has gone

When to expect it back

The tide will come

And carry you away. 

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Cage Girl

I think

I’m destined

To be that girl

Who changes men’s hearts

Lives

Minds 

Forever


To be better for the one who comes after her


They love my iron bones fiercely 

But never

Build a nest 

Inside the cage

Inside my chest

Red string

They cannot

Possibly know

What it means

To be owned

In your molecules 

By a force 

By a hand

By a leash

You’ve never

Held

But always need

Sadistic Love Shit

The hardest thing I ever did for myself was leave you. And I don’t think you’ll ever understand… it was so hard that I walked out of the threshold of the house we built on webcam lenses 3 times before I found the strength to say “You’re free. ”

Something broke inside of you and inside of me the day that I broke my fingernail. I knew you had to get lost and you knew you were not the man made to tame my wild beast to find submissive soul. But I wanted it to be my fault so i rewrote the memory. 

Erased the part where I kicked and screamed. Where I withdrew. Where I said no. Maybe if I had listened. Maybe if I were a softer girl. Pretty girl. Different girl. Any other girl but me. Then I could still be your girl. 

Much as I wanted to be and you wanted me, I don’t know if I was but I do know that I meant it. Mean it. Miss it. Despite the bullet. 

I found myself clawing my heart out of my throat with rusty screws and pride. Stabbing my jugular in hopes of speaking truth. What came out was a cry I’d never heard. Gutteral. Death lining sobs in my mouth I couldn’t breathe. I fell to my knees and buried my head in your lap but you denied me. 

You never stopped denying me. 

And I never tried to end the bleeding. 

You are the lead poisoning in my blood you are the haunting shadow in my room you are the daily pill I swallow you are the vacant ring finger you are the music I no longer feel you are the songs I skip and the repeat you are the ice on roads I travel you are the noise and you are the silence 

You are my disease. 

He is Love Shit

It’s not that I never loved you

Or really that I ever stopped loving you

It’s just that

Loving you was something I wanted more than anything and somehow

I was really bad at it

I would take a machete to my arm and cut it off for you, take a dagger to my chest and remove my still beating heart from my bare soul

And you would cry that I didn’t also sell you my soul, that I didn’t cut off the hand I used to write love poems to you with

You made me feel like true love only matters if you would forsake all others

Including sacrificing your first born son to the gods

And beg King Midas for his touch

It’s not that I never loved you

It’s that I loved you too much

With a passion and desire that rivaled thirty suns in your windshield with no visor

I exploded under you

I broke beneath your gaze as you parted my thighs and plunged into my aching holes to fill them with parts of you that were missing too 

The world can’t accommodate a love like that

It takes over and bleeds on everything

I fell to my knees for you and sobbed

Begged earnestly for the first time in my life 

Master, don’t leave me. I’ll be a good girl. 

Screamed in the driver’s seat and sobbed like tantruming toddler, a sight I didn’t let you see. Beat dashboard with flailing fists and screamed in little girl pleads until my throat bled 

Daddy don’t leave me. Daddy don’t go please. 

But you went. 

And I died. 

We tried to get it back but

There wasn’t anything left inside to reinvent. 

It wasn’t that I never loved you

It’s that I always did. 

Seasons of Love Shit

Love comes in various reasons

Fluctuates cycles

Demons

I can’t breathe when it’s time

To remember

What we had that was good

It never really was

Wizard of Oz just a man behind

The curtain

Love comes in shapes of

Broken promises

You thought I didn’t mean

You have no idea how much blood I used

To prepare to sign my soul over to you

And you never will

Your love kills

And I just wanted to feel alive

Or some shit

I can’t remember the reason

I ever wanted your last name

At the Altar of God

God’s love is unconditional. 

He never gives us more than we can handle. 

Be still, and know that Master is God 

And he has not forsaken me. 

Gives space so that his daughter may find her way

Listens as she prays fervently “let me be kind, let me be good…” with knowing smile that she is

More than her bones and skin

She was made in his image, 

Never lost but always yearning. 

He knows she is His

Without saying. 

Blessed are those who are forgiven,

They know not if the extent of their exception 

And that is the most beautiful of mysteries to the sheep

Following the Shepard

Into lifetime after lifetime

Never together yet never apart

A branded soul cannot be severed from its Owner. 

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